Once the eyes have been opened, they can never close again. Once we’ve ventured down the rabbit hole, there are no footholds to climb back up.
Today I drove from Palm Desert to Mammoth Lakes, headed home to my beloved, back home in the redwoods after a week long musical adventure across the west coast.
There is this feeling of a deep exhale, as you suddenly find yourself alone with yourself, after the stimulus of immersion in lots of new energies. It’s like taking a long hot bath. Every muscle slowly softens. Remembering what it feels like to simmer in your own soul.
I’ve always simultaneously loved being alone, and felt a deep ache of loneliness… a sadness that i do not feel I belong here, in this strange world. It is always there, even as I walk through the world feeling immense amounts of joy and gratitude for life. It’s a low hum buzzing beneath the surface – a deep pang of longing to find my heart Home, find my nest, find where i belong. I know many of us feel this way, despite loving solitude.
But somehow i am always like Mary Poppins. Sprinkling a little faerie dust here and there, moving on when the wind blows and tells me it’s time. Cooking a meal for people here. Taking care of a friend with cancer there. Contributing my seva to strangers and friends alike and then moving onward to the next place I am being called to share my music.
Life is a tapestry of musical jams and performance portals, interwoven between pockets of service. This nomadic wandering lifestyle simultaneously fulfills me deeply, and also often leaves me wishing that i actually wanted to stay somewhere and ground in. I just haven’t found that place. Or the people I want to ground in with.
There are highs and lows, ups and downs, times where i feel so useful, and times when i feel an ache of uselessness that burns the very core of my soul with tears.
I’ve been through many an existentialist crisis, contemplating the nature of illusion and maya and my perception of reality. For the time being, I’m dancing with duality in all her beauty.
Sometimes i wish I could just close my eyes and go back to sleep, and enjoy the mundanity of culture and lifestyle and existence, the way I used to before. But that existence always felt shallow to me, despite my best attempts to fit in.
It seems to me that my practices that ground me into the invisible realm are the things that keep me grounded, even when i have no home. The games we play with each other to cultivate this shared space of aloneness, together … and together, alone, are my treasures.
My favorite time in life was when my close friends and I used to spend time together, and eye gaze for a half hour in silence before even speaking.
As years pass i notice more and more isolation within my little corner of the universe. Going within doesn’t leave so much room for going outward and making smalltalk.
It makes me grateful for the little sizzles and sparkles of Soul Connection that do pop forth, and what gifts they are. Those moments where time freezes and a soul witnesses another soul and resonates in harmony.
For a brief moment, beings synch their electromagnetic fields into a common pulsing heartbeat. And this … this is why life is Music. And life is a Dance.
And the dance with the self, eyes closed, is Eye contact with the inner eye, the ultimate eye gaze.